Yesterday was Cleaning Frenzy Day. When I get into that weird space, equally weird thoughts start going through my brain. It’s almost as the act of cleaning my house lights a fire which exposes the nasties in my soul that need a thorough scrubbing as well. So as my thoughts became more and more negative, a thought flitted through the crud….”So Missie, here you are ranting about judgmental people and you are being VERY judgmental yourself!” Well, it’s not like this hasn’t happened before but this time I decided to be nice to myself. “Whaaaaat?”, you ask? Yes, I decided to quit beating up on myself and for once- just once- try to stop judging myself and try treating myself with some of that lovingkindness I’m always going on about.
Right off the bat I surprised myself at how utterly sick-and-tired I was at holding on to these resentments. Yes, I was wronged. Yes, I was utterly justified in being pissed off. The only problem with this script is that- to date- “Being Right” hadn’t brought me a single fragment of happiness. Instead of judging myself and others, I tried respectfully listening to my feelings- really listening like I would listen to a friend. I listened with compassion to my anger and hurt and rage….and then, like I always do (because I am either deranged or stupid!), I asked WHY. Why do people hurt others? Use others? In my case, why did the people I worked for deny me the opportunity to move ahead in my career? Actively work to hold me down? Pay me (and others like me) the very bare minimum while they claimed our work as their own and made the lion’s share of the profit? Outright steal from not only me, but other co-workers if/when they had the chance? Why would they give themselves insurance, safety and benefits and deny them to their employees? Treat me (and others) like a commodity instead of a person? Why? Why? WHY?
And then I heard a small true Voice whisper,”They believe Life is a Zero-Sum Game.”
So in other words, they believe that if someone benefits, it takes away from them.
They really believe if someone is happy or healthy or doing well financially, then it comes directly out of their hide.
WOW. That explains it all. That explains why they are constantly maneuvering for prestige or hierarchy or THEIR share of everything and anything. And that perfectly explains why they are desperate to maintain the status quo and keep “the little people” down because if they don’t, sharing means they will have less, not more. And it perfectly explains why every single one of the people I worked with were all single and lonely and miserable. Seriously. None of these people had ANY family and very few friends. (Christmas/Chanukah was the *weirdest* freaking experience at this place. Incredibly sad and miserable.) Now PLEASE don’t think I’m saying that ALL single people are miserable! What I AM SAYING is that this group of people were so afraid to share ANY PART OF THEMSELVES that they had effectively boxed themselves into the loneliness corner on the planet. Then to add to their own personal misery, they justified their despicable behavior by believing the people they treated badly deserved their ill treatment because they weren’t as good/smart/fast/beautiful/clever/young/whatever enough as them…..further isolating themselves in their lonely prisons of fear, greed and pride.
After pondering this (while scrubbing the bathroom floor at this point), I realized that I was indeed blessed in SO MANY WAYS and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don’t *have* to like these people but I don’t have to be afraid of them anymore either. They are to be pitied in so many ways but never trusted. Meanwhile, I have the love of my family and friends and my dogs and most important…I have JOY! And Faith. And Peace of Mind!
Postscript: No, I do not work for those awful people any more. The Universe answered my prayers better than I could have imagined and I found a place where my work and personhood is respected. The people are kind and funny and a joy to work with. I have time to breathe, walk, sleep ( a luxury at the previous places), garden, read, pray, and just. be. happy. I added a picture of my dogs because they give without measure and are the happiest little fellows! I have learned much from my dogs. And I hope these musings and difficult sharings of my soul are helpful in some small way. Blessings to you and yours!